Wishing everyone a restful end to the year.

20 12 2014

As we’re coming to the end of the year I just want to wish everyone a restful time over the next few weeks. It’s often a time where families get to come together, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less manic or stressful than the rest of the year; in fact it can often be a time of conflict and anxiety.

I work with a lot of my clients to raise awareness of their feelings at times of conflict or anxiety, and then to manage them using techniques such as mindfulness. I see mindfulness as a means of remaining focused on the here and now, and being completely in touch with the present moment; thus removing ourselves from the constant ‘noise’ of past-oriented or future-focused thoughts buzzing around our brain. Imagine your mind as one of those Christmas snowglobes, shaken up and swirling all over the place; and mindfulness helping all the snowflakes become settled and calm, so that the globe is clear again.

mind-full

Scientific evidence has shown the effectiveness of regular mindfulness, and you can read the recent experiences of the American news anchor Anderson Cooper here, as he describes how mindful practice has changed his life; enabling him to be more calm, present, and efficient.

However you spend the next few weeks, why not try out some mindfulness techniques to simply catch your breath and gather your thoughts? For example, you might want to just focus on your breathing for a couple of minutes, or try some progressive muscle relaxation, or sit through a brief guided imagery exercise. These techniques should help you feel far less stressed and anxious, and much less overwhelmed.

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I would also like to briefly thank everyone at the ACPNL, as they kindly invited me to present a workshop for them last Sunday. I have to admit I didn’t expect many people to be present – considering it was a cold and frosty Sunday morning at the end of the year – so I was delighted to have almost 50 people in attendance. I presented for 3 hours, on the topic of Social Emotion Regulation, and talked about the difference between attachment and attunement, how to create lasting and secure connections in therapy, and the basics of Emotionally Focused Therapy (as a reminder, EFT is an evidence based modality with a proven ‘total recovery’ rate of 75%, and 90% of clients showing improvements; no other modality even comes close!). The workshop was such a success that the ACPNL have requested that I go back and do another one, so I will keep you posted once dates are confirmed.

Once again, I would like to wish you all a happy and healthy end to the year, and all the best for 2015.





Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists in North London (ACPNL)

23 10 2014

I’m really honoured to have been invited to be a guest speaker by the Association Of Counsellors and Psychotherapists in North London (ACPNL). I will be presenting there on Sunday December 14th, from 10am to 1pm, and you can find full details on their events calendar.

acpnl

The title of my presentation will be “Social Emotion Regulation: Bringing The ‘Other’ Into Therapy”, and a brief description is as follows:

“Often in therapy we focus on the internal struggles our clients face, exploring intrapsychic variables such as troubling narratives, conflicting beliefs, or self- defeating messages. We discuss our clients’ emotion regulation strategies, and give them the tools to develop new ones, such as meditation, mindfulness, exercise, awareness of automatic thought patterns, and so on. However, these are all relatively isolated activities, and the social circumstances of our clients’ lives are often left unexplored. In this workshop, Stefan Walters explores the importance of social emotional regulation, and how a sense of being part of a supportive and enriching social network is absolutely vital to good mental health. Stefan looks at the links between self-worth and other-worth, and discusses how we can bring the ‘other’ into therapy, to assist our clients with their issues.”

Tickets are £30 for non-members of the ACPNL, or £20 for members, and can be purchased on the website. I hope to see you there!





Guardian Interview about sex for the over 60s

25 08 2014

A while ago I did a short interview with The Guardian, to discuss sexual health and relationships for the over 60s. It was recently published on their website, and you can read it here.

older couple

Unexpectedly, the story seems to have been picked up by a number of other international sites as well, including this American news site and some blog posts. It’s nice to see the story spreading around, and hopefully this will encourage further healthy discussion around the topic.

I think sometimes there’s a stigma that you “can’t teach your grandmother to suck eggs”; that after a certain age we just get stuck in our ways and refuse to change. So the misconception follows that therapy is reserved for younger people; from teenagers facing problems in puberty, up to married couples in their 50s facing divorce.

But the truth is that it’s always good to talk; no matter what age you are. I see many elderly couples who find it transformative to discuss their relationships and sex lives in therapy, and it’s always rewarding to see the progress they make together. It’s never too late to make a change!





Aviva Insurance

25 07 2014

I’m pleased to announce that I recently became a recognised provider of psychological therapies by Aviva Insurance.

This means that I am now able to receive insurance payments for Aviva Health Insurance customers.

Please do contact me if you wish to schedule an appointment.

aviva

defaqto





Spent: Sex, Evolution, and Consumer Behaviour

14 06 2011

Here’s another recent book review. “Spent: Sex, Evolution, and Consumer Behaviour” by Geoffrey Miller.

Spent: Sex, Evolution, and Consumer Behaviour

In his new book Spent, leading evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller takes us on a journey through modern consumerism; explaining how and why we choose to buy the things we do, and what these choices say about us, both as individuals and as a society. Approaching the issue from a systemic perspective, Miller looks at the ways in which marketing concepts have permeated mainstream culture, suggesting that we now live in an Age of Marketing which marks a “decisive power shift from institutions to individuals”. Miller explores the numerous ways in which this power shift has impacted human behavior, from the hidden instincts behind our shopping and spending, to the traits we value most in our romantic partners.

“Marketing is not just one of the most important ideas in business. It has become the most dominant force in human culture.”

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have to admit I was initially a little reluctant when faced with reviewing this book, which ostensibly seemed to be a study of market forces and economics; but I needn’t have worried. Spent is a fascinating study of human behavior, using consumerism as the starting point from which to explore the evolution of human psychology and the ways in which we have all become consumers, even in our private lives. Miller’s book is written in a style that will appeal to anyone who is interested in these topics, and it doesn’t require any kind of previous knowledge or expertise:

“You don’t need to know much about psychology, beyond what you already know about people. You don’t need to know much about consumerist capitalism, beyond what you already know about shopping. In fact, the less you’ve been taught about traditional marketing and economics, the fewer misconceptions you’ll have to overcome.”

As well as being accessible and easy to understand, Miller’s writing style is engaging and humorous, and he frequently peppers his prose with amusing personal anecdotes and pop culture references. I quickly found myself deeply entranced in the book, eager to keep reading, and fascinated by all of the facts he revealed in each chapter.

In fact, the more I read Spent, the more Miller’s insights into human behavior reminded me of the work therapists do with their clients; trying to identify the driving forces that lead us towards the choices and decisions we make for ourselves, throughout our lives.

“Marketing’s empiricism works like Rogerian psychotherapy, in which the therapist restates and reflects the patient’s concerns. Marketing holds up a mirror to our selves, reflecting our beliefs and desires so we can recognize, remember, evaluate and transform them… It allows us to accept or reject potential ways of displaying our traits through our product choices.”

Miller suggests that there are six main personality traits (known as the “Central Six”) which all of us display as a means of “taste-signaling”, and which we also all assess when evaluating potential partners, as a means of “social screening”. These are: intelligence, openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness, stability, and extraversion. He goes on to analyze each of these traits in detail, explaining how we “market ourselves” to others, primarily as consumers; by supplementing each of these traits with a specific choice of product, brand, or lifestyle choice, according to our own individual tastes. Marketing enables us to establish our preferred identities by aligning ourselves with certain choices, and we make these choices in order to impress others; as a means of establishing our status and attracting potential mates. These choices are known as fitness indicators:

“Fitness indicators are signals of one’s individual traits and qualities that are perceivable by other individuals.”

The irony of this, says Miller, is that we already have these indicators within us, as inherent traits, regardless of consumerist capitalism:

“The most desirable traits are not wealth, status, and taste – these are just vague pseudo-traits… Rather, the most desirable traits are universal, stable, heritable traits closely related to biological fitness – traits like physical attractiveness, physical health, mental health, intelligence, and personality… Consumerism’s dirty little secret is that we do a rather good job of assessing such traits through ordinary human conversation, such that the trait-displaying goods and services we work so hard to buy are largely redundant, and sometimes counterproductive.”

This is the central message of Spent; a timely reminder that the obsessive capitalist demands to which we constantly subject ourselves are not only unnecessary, but also often unhealthy.

“We humans have already spent millions of years evolving awesomely effective ways to display our mental and moral traits to one another through natural social behaviors such as language, art, music, generosity, creativity, and ideology. We can all do so without credentials, careers, credit ratings, or crateloads of product… Runaway consumerism leaves us feeling superficial and empty, because we project ourselves outward to observers too promiscuously and desperately.”

So, having identified this painful cultural phenomenon, how do we eschew these unnecessary values which capitalism has taught us; how do we rid them from our private lives? Far from suggesting that we go back to living like our Cro-Magnon ancestors, Miller concludes his book with several chapters on this topic, with numerous ideas on how we can improve our quality of life, not just as individuals, but on a wider societal level, too. Miller’s suggestions range from simple changes to our consumer habits (such as buying locally or second-hand, or even making things ourselves), to having our personality traits tattooed onto our bodies as clearer fitness indicators for potential partners. He also supports the concept of a consumption tax – whereby every product or service is priced according to its ecological footprint and impact on the environment – and the idea of restructuring the ways in which we build our communities, so that likeminded people can choose to live together, based on shared common interests and ideas, rather than for economic reasons alone.

Sure, some of these ideas may seem a little far-fetched or idealistic, but we have to start somewhere, and Miller’s crusade is a noble one. He concludes by asserting that the best method of implementing any change within society is by changing our informal social norms, one at a time; the unspoken rules which we all take for granted, at a local level. We could all do a lot worse than to live by Miller’s suggestions, and for those who may want to take things even further, Miller provides some exercises for the reader, and a booklist for further reading.

Spent is an entertaining and fascinating read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone with an interest in human behavior or evolutionary psychology. Miller’s explorations of consumer behavior caused me to completely reassess even the most mundane choices I make every day, and the things these all say about me; including my music playlists, the video games I play, my personal fitness, my Facebook page, my choice of friends and partners, and even the bumper stickers I put on my car. Whatever your background, I guarantee that Spent will make you re-evaluate some of the assumptions you had previously taken for granted about your own lifestyle and behavior traits. And you’ll never play The Sims in quite the same way again.

5 out of 5 stars.

Not only did I thoroughly enjoy the book (as you can tell by my review) but I think Miller raises some important issues relating to culture and wellbeing, as well. Many of my clients often come to me saying they feel dissatisfied with their lives – tired of working too many hours, worrying about finances, feeling cut off from family or friends, and like something important is lacking – but not knowing how to escape the cycle. Miller’s book shows us how the cycle is very much one of consumerism and spending, and our culture’s tendency to binge and purge, as a way of making ourselves feel better, or of rewarding ourselves for ‘being good’. I always see products advertised as ‘Treats’ or telling us that we ‘Deserve it’ and I think about the underlying message that this sends: that we cannot be intrinsically Good unless we consume. No wonder so many of us feel lost or worthless! Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. True happiness lies within, and no amount of material goods or wealth can ever change that.

If you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety, depression, or financial worries, and you want to find that inner happiness for yourself, I can help. Don’t wait for that change – make it happen now!





Saying No To Naked Women

28 05 2011

I thought I would share some of my book reviews on this blog, as they do contain some interesting themes.

I’ll start with my review of “Saying No To Naked Women” by David R. Yale:

Saying No To Naked Women

In the summer of 1974, Jack Derritt leaves the city and all of his material possessions behind and heads out to the Arkansas countryside, to live in a shack and take stock of his life. Tired of meaningless flings and constant feelings of misery and self-doubt, Jack wants to figure out why he’s never been able to find a stable, loving relationship, and why he never feels good enough for anyone. He asks himself: “Why is there a throbbing hurt inside me that never leaves?”

This is the opening to David R. Yale’s “Saying No To Naked Women; the story of one man’s struggle to free himself from porn values and sexual addiction”. With Jack’s story as an example, Yale’s novel shows us how our childhood fears can continue to haunt us as adults, manifesting themselves as self-doubt or insecurity, and preventing us from living fulfilling lives or maintaining loving relationships.

As Jack attempts to settle in his new home, he comes to realize that there is no escape from his inner monologue, which is often delivered in his father’s voice, constantly reminding him what a failure and a disappointment he is.

“I’ll never produce anything worthwhile. No woman will ever want me – once she sees my terrible faults. I’ve managed to fool people, but they’ll see: I don’t know what I’m doing. My father is right. I’m a parasite.”

We learn that Jack’s parents were Orthodox Jews and Marxists, and that Jack was raised in a climate of fear and secrecy, and taught to hide his identity. His parents never told him they loved him; instead they made him feel inadequate, and different from the rest of the world. The legacy of the Rosenbergs hung over his head, as a reminder of what might happen to his family if their religious and political beliefs were discovered. It’s these feelings of fear which continue to haunt Jack as an adult, as he remains convinced that he’ll never meet anyone who could possibly understand or value him for the man he is, and that he must always conceal his true self if he wants to be accepted.

Jack seems trapped in a spiral of loneliness, depression and paranoia, and at times this can be frustrating to read. Yale’s story takes a while to get going, and his pace is slow to start with. He focuses closely on setting the scene and building up the characters, but it is not always clear where this is leading, or to what end. Readers who find themselves struggling through the first half of this book should be encouraged to persevere, as the second half rewards us with plenty of valuable lessons and the denouement contains a powerful and important message. Yale’s prose is engaging and easy to read, and I found myself deeply involved in the story, once I had decided to stick with it, past the uncertain beginning. After around 200 pages, the story finally takes an interesting twist, as the solution to Jack’s torment begins to unfold.

One day, divine intervention strikes: he gets stung by a bee in the woods, and the resulting adrenaline shot sends him into a feverish dream world. In this dream world, Jack is visited by a mystical mentor, in the form of a Chassid, who begins to lead Jack through a number of conversations and sessions of immersion therapy which transform his way of thinking about himself and others.

This exposition is somewhat reminiscent of “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens; just as Scrooge meets the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet To Come, so too must Jack accompany the Chassid on a journey through his childhood, a summary of his present life, and an enactment of what the future might be like if he continues along his current path. Yale’s novel is a Dickensian fairytale for the modern age, demonstrating the ways in which childhood fears and insecurities can leave many men struggling with the porn values and sexual addictions that are so prevalent in society today.

Jack comes to realize that he views sex as a form of validation. He tells the Chassid, “I feel like there’s something wrong with me if I’m not having sex on a regular basis.” The Chassid then helps him see how this is connected to his childhood, and he how can end this cycle:

“Some of your anger was at your Dad for not teaching you how to be a man?”
“Yes.”
“And you turned that anger against women – the more frustrated you got the angrier your fantasies got?”
“Damn! What do I do now?”
“Learn how to communicate your feelings to women.”

The Chassid requests that Jack repeat a mantra: “I define myself. I do not let others define me. I do not let my parents define me.” Through this mantra, Jack begins to understand that his parents do not control him any more, and that he is able to live his own life. He begins to let go of the fear and secrecy he learned as a little boy, and to set himself free of the doubt and anger that have controlled him for so long.

“You must affirm yourself… Every time you think a negative thought about yourself, you have to confront it, and contradict it… You can’t deal with yourself the way your parents treated you. I forbid you! When you find you’re making harsh, critical judgments about yourself, stop! And then affirm yourself.”

Through these teachings, Jack is finally able to forgive his parents for their shortcomings, and to uncover the happiness and confidence he has always longed for. He begins to feel accepted by others, and understands what it takes to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship; knowing that the sexual fantasies and flings of his past were just a repeat of the anger and confusion he felt as a child. Finally, by the time he awakes from the dream world of the fever, Jack has learned to integrate the Chassid’s teachings into himself, as an alternative to the voice of his father, which once ruled his thoughts:

“I’m sure not used to thinking strategically like this. It’s a new experience.”
“Do you like it?”
“It makes me finally feel like I have power over my own life.”
“Even without the Chassid?”
“Yes. But maybe the Chassid has become part of me.”

Yale’s novel teaches us that we must understand, forgive, and honor both ourselves and other people in order to find happiness, and that, instead of holding on to our anger, living well is often the best revenge of all. Jack’s story is one that many men will be able to relate to, and the teachings of the Chassid will no doubt resonate with them, too.

One criticism I have, though, is that the book seems unsure of its audience. As a fictional novel about a man setting off into the wilderness to reflect on his life, the book might initially seem to fit alongside classics such as Thoreau’s “Walden”, Kerouac’s “Lonesome Traveler”, Pirsig’s “Zen and the Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance”, and Krakauer’s “Into The Wild”. However, what separates this book from those (including its misleading title) is the suggestion that it is some kind of self-help manual. The back cover suggests that this book “unlocks invisible behavior patterns you must understand to solve personal troubles and identify problem people”, and this certainly seems a little far-fetched.

As a systemic marriage and family therapist, I enjoyed reading about the Chassid’s immersion therapy techniques, and recognized the narrative therapy methods employed to help Jack re-write his own story and take control of his life. I’m sure many readers will benefit from Yale’s suggestions of how to find happiness and overcome the demons of the past. But, while these techniques may work well for some, suggesting that this book could serve as a universal guide to love and happiness seems a little extreme. Those who are simply looking for an engaging fairytale about a man in the wild, on a journey to self-fulfillment, will find that this is a story worth reading. It won’t appeal to everyone, but this is a worthy book, and one that should be recommended to anyone struggling to find love as a consequence of painful childhood experiences.

3 out of 5 stars.

In addition to my review, I’d like to add that I agree with Dr Thaddeus Birchard, an expert in sexual compulsivity and addiction, who states that “sexual addiction, like any addictive substance or process, is a response to the pain and distress of narcissistic damage. All addictions have a common underlying psychobiological process. I think of narcissistic damage as the outcome of a disturbance in attachment. The function of an addiction is therefore to anaesthetize the subjective distress created by the narcissistic damage.”

In other words, sexual addiction often forms as a means by which to avoid dealing with the pain that is caused by attachment injuries from the past. And it is only by identifying and resolving these injuries -through successful therapy sessions – that the addiction can be truly cured.

If you currently suffer from sexual addiction – or are in a relationship with someone who you suspect may be a sex addict – I can help you with these issues. Don’t wait for that change – make it happen now!